Starting With the Four Ws

I'm only five weeks postpartum and very sleep deprived, so this journey will have a slow start. I'm in survival mode right now, so I can't dedicate the energy yet it will take to go full boar.

I think that is a good thing. It is giving me time to plan and think. How do I want to go about this this time around? What are my goals? What do I need to do differently to avoid the yo-yo dieting and feelings of failure that have come with my other attempts? I don't have the answers yet. I guess this stage of my climb up my Personal Mount Everest is setting up base camp.

I decided that for right now it is enough to concentrate on what I'm calling the "Four Ws":

• Water
• Walking
• Wisdom
• Willpower

I'm not ready to start a diet or make any huge lifestyle changes. I'm lucky to fit a shower in each day. There isn't any room for counting calories or Weight Watchers points. Getting in as much water as possible is my first step in the nutrition department.

For exercise I'm just focusing on getting myself moving again and getting outside. I've been pretty housebound so walks are so good for me. At week three after my baby was born, I was walking quite a bit. Something about the cumulative affect of a month of no sleep hit me at week four and into this week and the walking hasn't happened. It's a goal now to make walking a regular part of my routine.

The second two W's are my prayer focus. I need wisdom about how to do it differently and successfully this time around. I need insight into what went wrong each time before and for help in planning how I'll do it this time. I'm also asking for willpower because right now it is seriously lacking. I'm tired in so many ways. When the time is right to commit to doing this again, I'll need supernatural help.

What Does My Blog Title Mean?

Last January, I was given the gift of a personal trainer for Christmas. I was thrilled to see great results as I worked out with Matt. Between January and May, I lost 30 pounds, gained muscle, gained confidence, and had tons of energy for playing with my kids.

During that time, I started a blog called "Becky's Road to Fitness." It was supposed to be an inspiration to other people who were trying to get fit. I posted before and after pictures, went public with my success, and then started gaining back the weight.

Between May and November, I gained all 30 pounds back (+ a few extra I'm afraid) and then I found out I was pregnant. During pregnancy, I gained another 40 pounds. Ashamed of yet another failure in my quest for thinness, I deleted my blog and stopped going to the gym.

Weight issues have been a thorn in my side for as long as I can remember. I was never obese or overly fat, just "chubby" "going through a growth spurt" or "big boned." In second grade, I remember trying to suck in my tummy and by fifth grade I went on my first official diet. Even when I was thin, I didn't appreciate it because the number on the scale wasn't the right number. It has been a battle. A battle I want to win, but a battle that feels too hard to win.

When I was working with Matt, he used a metaphor for my journey. He encouraged me to conquer my own "personal Mount Everest." That concept resonated with me. That's exactly what this has been, this mountain I keep trying to climb. I've attempted it so many times I can't count them all. Yet somehow, I keep standing at the base of the mountain trying to drum up the stamina to try one more time.

I need lasting change, not another diet. I need lasting change, not another gym membership or workout video or piece of exercise equipment. I also need to learn how to avoid burnout and self-sabotage.
I want to stand at the summit of this mountain, shove my victory flag in the ground, and say "I did it!"

That's where this blog comes into the picture. It is going to be the journal of my journey to lasting change. The log book of my "climb to fitness." This post is entry number one in my climbing diary. I haven't decided if I'll even go public with it. I just need a place to process things.

Success for me won't be losing weight. That will be a part of it, but true success for me will be lasting change. It will be freedom from the yo-yo roller coaster ride, it will be freedom from the embarrassment I feel at being overweight, it will be spiritual and physical fitness, freedom from self-medicating with food. It will be being comfortable in my own skin whatever that means.

I know climbing this mountain is going to be a journey. I know many of the pitfalls that lie ahead, and I know I will have to do a lot of soul searching to discover why I have so often attempted this but never reached the summit.

Some of my posts will be humorous (especially when I explain some of the diets I've tried in the past) Some will be just a progress check. Others will be simply processing my thoughts and actions. I learn so much through journaling.

I'm excited to see what discoveries I'll make along the way.