Thursday, October 30, 2008
Then yesterday, I was holding my baby and tried to stand up off the couch after feeding him. I hurt something in my back in the process and now I'm an invalid. : ) No more running for awhile. It hurts just to stand long enough to take a shower.
It has been depressing dealing with all of this and difficult to stay focused on my fitness and spiritual goals, let alone all the other stuff I'm supposed to be doing as a wife, mom, and homemaker. I need God's help to not turn to food to make me feel better. I think I'm on the mend now, so hopefully I'll make up for lost time.
I read Point of View: Day 4 "Expect A Miracle" today. I enjoyed it a lot. I am very much opposed to the "name it and claim it" or "prosperity doctrine" message, but I don't think that is what this is talking about at all. I really do think that deep down I lack faith that I can really win at this for long term. When I honestly examine my feelings, there is a lot of pessimism about my ability to lose weight and maintain that success.
I liked this quote:
I know it will take a miracle to keep me faithful to healthy eating and disciplined exercise- and that's exactly what I'm expecting! (pg. 65)
I want to keep thinking through today's journal questions about my heart's desire in the area of eating, nutrition, and fitness:
1. How will it feel when God has had his way in my life?
2. How will I be different?
Anyone answer those questions and gain some insight?
I was also curious what your plans are for handling all of the candy tomorrow and the days after? Do you have a plan? I think I'm going to tell myself that I need to say no to all candy this time and to remember that this is just a season of my life. There will be a time when I can have some again. Then I think well maybe I'll let myself have just one or two as a treat so I don't feel totally deprived and to practice moderation. What do you think- cold turkey, no candy this year, or set a limit and practice moderation?
Tuesday, October 28, 2008
I'm not going to be able to blog for a couple of days, but I wanted to make sure you all had a chance to talk with each other about what you read today and tomorrow.
Comments are open to check in with each other and to share how you are doing, what you liked about the reading, etc.
I've got antibiotics now so I should be back on my feet soon. : )
Monday, October 27, 2008
It was interesting for me to see myself slip into old behaviors over the weekend. I stopped writing down what I ate, I went out to eat and had to deal with wanting to eat more than I really needed, and I started to feel the discouragement that comes from perfectionism. I'm back on track today, but I want to think a lot about what went wrong this weekend and plan to be more successful next weekend. I want to be ready for it ahead of time.
Random Observations From Last Week:
- I need to keep my fridge and pantry stocked with good choices. Part of went wrong this weekend was lack of groceries and I ate what was available.
- I eat in front of the computer too much and don't taste what I'm eating
- I sit too much during the day. I want to incorporate more movement into my day, not just formal exercise.
- The exercise I did get in Friday through Sunday felt wonderful! But I get this weird emotion about feeling overwhelmed by the fact that I have to KEEP exercising and watching what I'm eating even thought it feels so good to be doing these things. I need to focus on each day at a time instead of being overwhelmed by the long term.
- Surrender on a daily basis, even meal by meal basis, is a must. I have to keep coming to the Lord to reteach me how to be healthy.
- God wants to work in these areas of my heart: needing approval, anxiety, and perfectionism.
Here's What I Loved From Today's Reading:
The second week of meditations, therefore, concentrates on seeing ourselves and our struggle with food from God's point of view. (pg. 53) I'm looking forward to seeing what I learn as I look at this from His perspective.
We can view our daily struggle with overeating as a tedious, difficult, boring inconvenience that robs us of pleasure. Or we can make the conscious choice to view it as a physical and spiritual challenge through which God is giving us an opportunity to grow in our knowledge and trust of him. (pg. 56) What an "ah-ha" for me! How I choose to view this struggle is important. It's tough to have to deal with this, but God will use it for good if I let Him. The ongoing need to come to Him for help is a good thing, too. It makes me seek Him.
Here's How I'm Doing:
Weight lost this week: -1.5 lbs. (I think...I'm not sure exactly where I started last week, might be more like 1 lb)
Weight lost since beginning of book club: -1.5 lbs.
My goal is to lose 50 lbs. I've lost this much so far: 12.5 lbs.
How are things going for you? Any insights from this reading? Any challenges?
Praying for you!
Saturday, October 25, 2008
There's nothing like a walk by yourself outside to give you time to be introspective and to pray. God showed me quite a bit during that walk. I just love how this time I might be losing weight, but I'm also learning so much about myself and what has caused this weight problem in the first place.
Then last night instead of the usual movie at home, our family used a free pass we were given to the local ice rink. More exercise! It was so much fun! (I'm not sure if my husband would agree). : )
Thursday, October 23, 2008
I feel really good today. I feel lighter, and I really like the good food I'm feeding myself.
It also feels really good to not be so focused this time on the facade. Maybe it's because I'm getting older. I really do want to be fit and thin, but my focus is different. In the past, I've tried to visualize myself thin, or picture a certain outfit I wanted to wear again. Or I thought about how I wanted to look for a certain event. This was all in an attempt to keep up my inner resolve and motivation, and the focus was always, always on looking good for other people.
Now I just want to feel good and free. I want to fix the baggage inside just as much as I want to wear a size 8 pair of jeans again. I want energy just as much as I want to go to the mall and have fun shopping again. I want God's healing more than anything because I know He is in the business of permanent healing not just band-aid fixes. My outside is temporal. My inside is eternal. I'm just learning to value the eternal higher than the stuff that won't last.
Today's reading was great. I like this mental picture:
"Picture a cowboy who has thrown down his pistol and put his hands in the air. The gig is up. Ironically, we who are willing to take this stance and give up to God are the ones who win in the end." (pg. 40)
As I'm working through this surrender stuff, I'm trying to be like that, hands up in the air saying, "I surrender. Show me how to live, think, eat, act, etc." I've got a 3 x 5 card and a pencil ready, and I'm writing down anything I feel like God is talking to me about changing. Today, He has been talking to me about how much I need approval from other people. I'm also trying to remember to talk to Him about it before anything goes in my mouth. I know that might sound weird, but I need to completely start over and have him teach me how to eat again. I'm trying to remember to do that. Sometimes I'm doing, it sometimes not.
My goal is to fit in exercise and get out of the house more. I've been good about being more active today, but no formal exercise session.
Keep the conversation going. I loved reading through the comments on the last post. Any new insights today?
Wednesday, October 22, 2008
As I'm surrendering control over my eating, I've been asking God how that needs to look for me. And one area He has asked me to surrender to him is the scale. I'm a compulsive weigher, often weighing myself several times a day. It's just a habit. If I walk by the bathroom scale, I hop on and see how I'm doing. This isn't healthy for me. Regardless of the number on the scale, I usually end up eating more because of it. If I've lost weight, I let up on the good I'm doing thinking, "Woo Hoo! I'm losing weight. I can eat more." Or if the number is going in the wrong direction I get depressed about it and give up on my diet. So this time I've set a limit for myself. I can only weigh in on Monday morning. Once. That's it. This has been really hard and I think it is a control issue.
I keep thinking, "How am I going to know if I'm doing any good if I don't check the scale? How will I know if this is working? Or if I should be eating less." I just have to trust that God is working in me and to let go of trying to control it. I can feel positive change already and that needs to be enough. But it is hard to trust Him because I'm desperate to get the weight off. When I saw today's affirmation, "I will trust that God is in control" (pg. 37) it reminded me to trust Him with whatever is going to happen this week. I've been asking Him to direct my eating. Now I have to let go.
The last paragraph on pg. 37 stood out to me, too. Here's a quote from it:
Compulsive overeating is often a form of rebellion. We like to think that the rules do not apply to us, that we can operate outside the facts and realities of calories, metabolism, and weight gain....What part does rebellion play in your eating problem?
I don't like the fact that I can't eat as much as my friends. My body requires fewer calories. Period. And I've always thought it was unfair and I've rebelled against it in the past. I realize now that I need to make peace with what my body does require. I didn't design me so I don't get to set the calorie limit. : )
How's it going for you?
I realize that with a new post everyday I don't give you a lot of time to comment. Feel free to talk about any of the past posts/devotions here, too.
I'm mostly interested in the conversation and want us to be encouraging each other. Anyone facing any challenges? Anything we can pray about?
Do you have a favorite thought or quote from today's reading? Any ah-ha moments?
Yesterday was a tough day for me. Anyone have a day that was harder than the others? My trigger was emotion. I did eat more yesterday than the other two days, but I feel good about how I dealt with the emotion and tried hard not to use food to comfort myself. It was a big step for me.
Tuesday, October 21, 2008
When I read it, I thought, "I already know I'm the problem. That's why I'm reading this book." But what I've been asking myself is, "How have I been the problem specifically?"
Here's some of what I came up with:
- I ask God for help but then I don't do what He says to do
- I have many excuses for why I'm overweight right now- pregnancies, miscarriages, stress from adoption process, slow metabolism, etc. etc. but the reason I'm overweight comes down to the fact that I ate more than I should. I did it to me regardless of circumstances.
- I respond to emotion by eating. Food is my drug of choice
- I have never learned how to maintain a healthy weight. I'm always losing or gaining. I have a real "all or nothing" personality.
- I'm hard on myself and unforgiving of mess ups
I'll probably be coming up with more as the day goes on.
After reading these two devotions, I'm asking myself these questions:
1. What does it really mean to surrender in this area of my life? What would it look like? How do I really apply this stuff so I'm not just reading it, but doing it?
2. In what ways am I the problem? How do I sabotage myself?
Here are my favorite quotes for today:
"God cares deeply about our struggle with eating and exercise but not because he is interested in what size blue jeans we can fit into." (pg. 33)
God always is most interested in the condition of our hearts.
The affirmation: When I am the problem, Jesus Christ is the answer. (pg. 33)
Today has been more difficult to be in control of my eating because I've been emotional over issues with our adoption process. I'm really having to ask God to direct my eating and it has taken more discipline to make the right choices, but I'm doing it with His help.
I really enjoyed reading the conversation on the comments section yesterday. Keep it up! Feel free to talk to each other there and respond to other people's comments. Renee- I really related to your fears about this being a temporary six-week fix. I don't want that either! I've been praying for all of us. How's it going? Any favorite quotes or thoughts about today's reading? Prayer requests?
Also, I have a sidebar blog list that says "Fellow Climbers." If you start a fitness/health blog or are blogging about this book club and want me to add your blog to that list let me know.
Monday, October 20, 2008
I was really nervous last night before I went to bed. Thinking about the hard work ahead was much harder than actually beginning this morning. I've been doing the supportive eating today and paying attention to serving sizes. I've also been drinking water and writing down what I'm eating and drinking in a food journal. Eating this way feels good. I usually struggle to get fruit and vegetables into my diet, but because the fibrous carb is scheduled into my eating, I've already had a can of V8 juice, eaten carrots from our garden, had fresh salsa with pita chips, and I'm munching on an apple right now. That's a big nutritional improvement for me and it is still early afternoon.
But starting a diet change is nothing new to me. I'm much more excited about what I read today in the book. For those of you still waiting for your books to come in the mail, this week's devotions are all based on the theme of surrender.
It is funny how God often talks to me in themes. Once He picks a theme He wants to get my attention about, it is everywhere. The topic of surrender has come up in so many areas of my life, not just this weight loss journey. I wrote on my main blog last night about how I had to surrender our adoption process to Him and trust Him to do what seems impossible. Keeping weight off long term seems impossible to me, too.
Here's some things from the reading that stood out to me:
"Surrender is not a one-time thing; it is an ongoing process." (pg. 27)
This was a good reminder for me. I think God allows us to struggle through things sometimes so we will keep coming to Him. We need that relationship with Him and so in my life one of the things that keeps me praying and seeking Him is this issue with my weight.
"I'm only giving back to you the works of your own hand. You designed me and you made me to use in your own way." (pg. 28- from Claire's song, "White Flag")
He designed this body so it makes sense that I should be asking Him how to take care of it and to ask for the help to do it His way.
The affirmation: "Jesus is the source of my health and my healing." (pg. 30)
Lasting change will only come from allowing Jesus to change me and to not be turning to worldly wisdom for the help I need.
2. In the book today it said:
3. Any quotes from the book that stood out to you?
God bless your efforts today. Thanks for supporting me!
Sunday, October 19, 2008
I had some interesting emotions come up today as I thought about getting started. Panic was the first one. Some of these thoughts were revealing about my relationship with food and diets:
What have I done?
Why did I tell people what I'm doing?
What if I can't lose any weight?
I should eat today because tomorrow the pain begins. : )
Could this possibly really work?
Etc. Etc. Etc.
Amid the panic was some excitement, too. I keep remembering last spring ('07) when I was working out with my trainer. I have never, ever felt that kind of energy in my life. Not even when I was a little girl. I've always been a low energy kind of person, but during that very short season I felt alive and full of energy.
One memory stands out so clearly to me. We were at our home group Bible Study having a BBQ and hanging out in the backyard. All of the kids were running around playing while the adults sat in deck chairs, talking, and watching the kids play. After awhile I couldn't stand to sit still, I had to go play with the kids. I had so much fun playing. I could run up their steep hill without even thinking about it. I felt like a kid again and I felt sorry for the grown-ups stuck in their chairs. The following spring ('08) I was pregnant and back in the chairs with the grown ups.
I was fantasizing today about that energy. What could taste as good as that freedom felt? I want to grab on to that feeling for motivation. But again, I know my inner resolve will only go so far and this time I do not have a coach nor a gym membership. I also do not have two hours to spend in the gym every day.
I'm working through the inventory at the back of the book, but I thought tonight I'd close this post with a prayer for the weeks ahead.
I know that I need to lose weight, but I'm scared of failing again. I've done this over and over again, and I'm weary of it, Lord. Please forgive me for my past failures. Please help me to forgive myself. I feel so ashamed when I look back at the yo-yo dieting and my many, many attempts to be "skinny." Sometimes life threw me curve balls and circumstances made it so hard to succeed, but more often it was just self-sabotage keeping me from my goals. My way has never worked. My inner resolve and willpower have never been strong enough. Please be my strength. I am weak. If this weight battle is dependent upon my inner resolve it is already a lost battle. Help me to do it your way this time, not my way.
Search my heart and shine light where change is needed. I'm scared of starting tomorrow. I don't want to do the hard work that is ahead. Please make me ready to follow your lead. Show me what you want me to learn and give me the strength to do what you say to do. I want to be healthy in every way, most importantly spiritually.
I pray against discouragement. Help me to be good to myself and not beat up on myself anymore.
Please bless my efforts and the efforts of all of the people who are participating in this book club. We all have different reasons for wanting to read the book and we all have different past experiences, but I think we all are seeking your will in this area of our lives, and are in need of healing. I pray these next six weeks will be enlightening, productive, successful, and fun. Show us how to encourage and bless each other.
Most importantly, be glorified in us through this journey.
I love you!
In Jesus' Name I pray,
1. Anyone want to share how you are feeling about starting tomorrow? Excited? Nervous?
2. Has anyone done the inventory and had any revelations yet?
3. No pressure to do this, but feel free to write your own prayer for yourself and the rest of us in the comments section and we'll pray with you.
See you tomorrow for Day One!
Thursday, October 16, 2008
- Eat less/Move more: This is easy to say, but I want to find some ways to measure this and hold myself accountable.
- Stay sugar free: For me sugar is the enemy. I want to stay sugar-free for the duration of these 42 days. Because of my baby's thrush, I have been sugar free for the last 2 weeks. I have felt so free from cravings and so much more in control of my appetite. Then yesterday, I baked some organic chocolate chip cookies from a mix that was sweetened with cane juice. I have been craving sugar all day and have eaten so many of the cookies. I was fooled into reintroducing sugar into my system...I now believe cane juice is just another word for sugar- (sugar cane juice maybe?). It really showed me how much sugar affects my appetite and how much I like being free of it.
- Supportive Eating: This is something I learned last spring when I worked with a personal trainer. He taught me to eat in a way that kept my blood sugar level and my metabolism working all day. I was able to eat a lot fewer calories and stay more satisfied.
Here's how it works:
Eat every three to four hours hungry or not. At each meal eat a lean protein, a fibrous carb, and a complex carb. A fibrous carb is a vegetable or a fruit. So an example meal might be chicken with broccoli and a slice of whole wheat bread. It really was amazing how satisfied and level I felt eating that way.
I usually have crashes at different times of day where I'm starving. This usually happens in the late afternoon when it's time for me to start cooking dinner. When I was doing the supportive eating I didn't feel those crashes. I usually ended up eating breakfast, lunch, and dinner and added a morning and afternoon snack.
-Lots of water: I know from past experience that this also helps with appetite control.
That's my plan so far. I'd love to hear what you have planned.
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Tuesday, October 14, 2008
There is still time for you to buy the book online if you want to join us for the book club. I hope you will join us even if you don't buy the book. Feel free to read my journal entries and join in on the discussion. You can jump in anytime. The more the merrier!
Here's one of my favorite quotes from Claire's letter:
"Personally, I have found that anytime the buck stops with me and everything hinges on my inner resolve and fortitude, I am in big trouble. The harder I try to heal myself, the sicker I seem to get!" (pg. 12)
That's why I'm excited about doing this differently this time. All of my other attempts at fitness relied on my inner resolve and self-motivation/willpower. This time I'm leaning on God for the help and healing I need to make it last.
I thought this was interesting, too:
"By now all of us in this country are familiar enough with the various kinds of eating disorders to recognize that weight is not the only indicator of irrational eating." (pg. 12)
I never thought skinny people could have a problem with food. If they were thin, then they must have some gift for eating right and not being addicted to food. I think more of us have issues with food in this country than we even know.
OK- that's enough for now. I'll check back in with more throughout the week.
Anyone else have some favorite quotes or want to talk about what you are doing to prepare for next week?
I'm praying for us and excited about what we will learn.
Thursday, October 2, 2008
Here's an excerpt from the back cover:
Faithfully Fit is not a diet, not an exercise plan. it won't
tell you how much you ought to weigh or what your heart rate should be or how many miles you should walk to burn up three cookies and a slice of cheesecake. It offers no quick fixes or miracle cures.
Instead, Faithfully Fit offers motivation, encouragement, and inspiration
to help you change from the inside out-the only kind of change that lasts.
I wanted to let you know early so you can get a copy of the book. I have the 1991 edition that I will be using, but there is a new 2007 revised edition available. I'm hoping they aren't too different if you buy the new version. I think all that changed was the front cover, but it is OK if they are different in some ways. That will just add to the conversation. You can order the old one for as cheap as .75 cents on half.com but both versions are available on amazon.com and other places.
I'll write more about the book club later and how its going to work. For now, just get the book. : )
Wednesday, October 1, 2008
Drinking my water is the easy part. There is something about breastfeeding that makes me feel like I'm dying of thirst.
The walking isn't happening yet. A cold bug has been moving through my house and it's my turn to get it. Even when I'm not sick, I haven't figured out yet how to fit exercise into my day.
I knew I wasn't ready to jump into a diet yet, so I decided to start making some observations about how I'm doing and what needs to change. This is what I've discovered so far:
- My portion sizes are way off
- I'm eating more calories than I thought. On Monday, I recorded what I ate on an Excel spreadsheet and tallied up the calories...OUCH. I was shocked at the results. The trip to McDonald's for dinner did not help matters.
- I'm completely addicted to sugar.
- I eat at night when I don't need to.
So as I've prayed for wisdom and willpower, I started looking at these observations. Obviously, if I'm going to lose weight, I've got to scale back my portions, eat less calories, and stop eating so much sugar. Ugh. How easy, right? Not! I felt so discouraged as once again I was reminded that I am so weak in the willpower department.
An interesting little twist happened this week, though. I had a blessing in disguise.
I'm nursing my baby, and I've been dealing with thrush (a yeast infection on my nipples and in his mouth). It has made nursing painful, and I've struggled to get rid of it. In my search for a cure, I've learned that the thrush has moved inside of my milk ducts and dietary changes would be necessary if I ever want to get rid of it. Guess what has to go? You guessed it- sugar. Dairy products, too.
Beginning Tuesday morning, I've been sugar free. Not from willpower, just from sheer necessity. I almost cried Monday night when I thought about giving up all milk and sugar. It felt too hard. But it has been so good for me. I think going cold turkey was the only way I would have been able to break this sugar addiction, and it took the thrush being more painful than the sugar withdrawals to get me to do it.
It has been interesting to see how I'm eating differently now that I can't have milk or sugar. I'm eating healthier because I have to. I actually ate fruit and veggies today. It's a miracle! : )
I know getting the sugar out of my system will help in the willpower department. Interesting answer to prayer!
Goal: -50 lbs
8 pounds gone so far! : )
42 to go